Well, the band-aid has been ripped off…we heard our first “no” after presenting our family profile to an expectant mother. It was what we were anticipating, but it brings a mixed bag of emotions. There is the obvious disappointment and a touch of sadness, but strangely there is also an overwhelming sense of relief. I never would have thought “relief” is something I would be feeling after hearing someone say they did not choose us, but that is my predominant emotion at this current moment. Maybe it will morph into something different later on, but right now I truly believe it is God’s way of protecting my heart and letting me know this was not our baby.
We have seen multiple situations, but this was the first one where we felt comfortable presenting our profile. I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions since we decided to put ourselves out there about a week ago. Initially, there was excitement as we read the details. Along with that excitement there was a little bit of fear due to some legal risks surrounding the situation, but we were ready to take the leap and go for it! Over the next few days there was anxiety…What was the birth mother looking for in an adoptive family? What would she think about us based on our profile? How long would it take her to make such an important decision? SOOOOO many questions racing through my brain. The first day or so my prayer was what it has been from the beginning of this process: Lord I pray for your will to be done. You are in control and I trust you 100%. However, as the days passed I became very unsettled. Something in me just knew this wasn’t our baby. I do not know if it was the distance from the birth mother’s hometown or the legal risks, but it just didn’t feel “right”. I began praying a different prayer: Lord, protect us in this situation. You know the risks and obstacles and if we need to be protected from this please let us hear a “no”. I have no doubt those feelings were placed upon my heart to help me handle the answer we received.
There will be more “no’s” in our future and more than likely some very heartbreaking ones. However, I am glad to have the first one out of the way! I am certain not all of them will be this easy to take, but having one under my belt will hopefully give me the strength to persevere through the hard ones. This is going to be a challenging journey, one that we will only get through with TREMENDOUS faith and patience…but our day is coming! When the time is right, we will hear that beautiful “yes”!