So it has been a loooong time since I have posted any updates here on the blog…a lot of people have been asking me how things are going with the adoption and I just wanted let everyone know where we are in the process and the reason for the extended silence.
This is a tough blog for me to write. I actually have been wrestling with the idea of putting this out there for weeks. Then I realized it is totally unhealthy (and dishonest) if I am not real with myself and with others. So here it goes…
The personal stuff:
It has been a pretty dark couple of months for me. Never before have I struggled with anxiety or depression but for the last couple of months those two things have slowly crept into my life. I have been holding everything inside and putting on a brave face while at the same time suffering an immense guilt for feeling such a sense of despair. I have felt that I was failing in my faith for not being ok…then with the help of my mom I started to realize it is ok to not be ok. I still know the Lord will sustain me through this hard time and I trust in His plan for my life, but if I am honest, I have been sad, overwhelmed and quite simply struggling at life lately. After having a total meltdown while talking to my mom, she assured me that letting myself feel the sadness was a healthy and natural thing because we live in a fallen world and “life sucks”. I have been working through the loss of not only Taylor and Asher, but also the loss of ever being able to carry my own child…and for me those are some pretty heavy issues. I also think the fact that Asher’s birthday is right around the corner (October 22nd) has a lot to do with the grief and sadness I am currently feeling. It is as if there is a dark cloud constantly looming over my head.
This week when I decided to be honest about my mental and emotional state I felt the weight start to lift off my shoulders. Simply letting the emotions flow freely has helped me start the healing process. One morning at work I told my friend Adrienne what has been going on. It was one of the scariest things for me to do, but I IMMEDIATELY felt like a new person. I have realized need to give myself grace to feel the sadness of what we have experienced.
Now onto adoption:
Adoption in and of itself has been a trying experience. With all the other grief and sadness I have been feeling, the difficulties of the whole adoption process have been too much for me to handle. I had to push pause and step away from all things adoption related for a little while. This was extremely hard for me to do! I want nothing more than to be a mom and I would take a baby right this instant if someone offered, but taking a break from adoption was what I needed to do. Then just this morning it dawned on me that Satan is attacking me in this process because he does not want it to happen. It is a beautiful thing and he would LOVE to see me just give up and walk away. It is going to be an ugly, messy and hard journey but in the end it will be worth it. So, I have decided to get back into the trenches. I am going to start slowly and take baby steps so that I do not become overwhelmed again, but is is time. With the advice of our adoption consultant, Susan, JD and I have decided to apply to a couple of the bigger agencies as we move forward.
Here’s how you can pray:
- Pray for us as we approach Asher’s birth date and all the grief that surrounds it.
- Pray for us as we begin filling out more applications and paperwork to apply to new agencies. This is a time consuming and tedious process.
- Pray for us to feel the Lord’s guidance and peace as we try and decide which agencies to go with.
- Pray for future Baby Davis and that JD and I will KNOW when we encounter the situation that will lead us to him/her.
- And as always, please pray for patience and strength in general as we continue the adoption process.
I heard a new song on the radio this week and the lyrics were perfect for where I am! It is called “Hard Love” by Need to Breath. I think this is going to be my current anthem. Here is the part I LOVE:
What don’t kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, ’cause it’s a hard love
You can’t change without a fallout
Get back up, ’cause it’s a hard love
And all you ever do is fight
But there’s a reason that the road is long
It takes some time to make your courage strong